Monday, December 19, 2011

Dissatisfaction...Part 2

Ok, so I didn't quite get around to this post as soon as I had planned. What can I say? I have five kids and it's the holiday season. I think that's enough reason to get a free pass. :)

I talked about how I have been dissatisfied with my home, but there are other areas in my life that I am also dissatisfied with. My kids top the list and that makes me hang my head in shame.

I know it is not uncommon or unheard of to compare your children to other children. In fact, a little comparison can be good. It's nice to observe another child that is close in age to your own child. You may realize that your child is ahead/behind where he/she needs to be developmentaly. I have often observed another child and then realized that my child was not being challenged enough. So, it has helped me to "up my game" so to speak. However, I am not talking about gentle comparisons. I am talking about out and out "I wish my kid were totally different" statements.

I have mentioned before that Lily (my four year old) is the most challenging child I am raising. I am ashamed to admit that not only do I compare her to other children; I also wish she were different nearly every day. I don't simply think that she could improve her manners. I nit-pick and find fault with every little thing she does wrong and wish she were a different child. I cut her no slack and I am very tough on her. I wish I knew why I am that way. I find myself sighing a huge breath of relief when she is tucked into bed. I am so finished with her by the end of the day.

Recently, I even admitted to myself that I don't like her very much most of the time. I don't want you to misunderstand me. I LOVE Lily. I would lay down my life for her. She is my daughter and I would not trade her for anything. However, I have come to realize that most days I don't enjoy spending time with her. I am embarrassed that I feel that way.

I think that with Annie and Megan I can see bits of myself in each of them. It's easy to understand their actions or even enjoy their quirks because of that. I look at Lily and I see very little in common with me. My husband, Carlos, is ADHD and I just know that Lily is as well. I look at Lily and I see all these unexplainable traits and actions. I am guessing that a large chunk of them come from ADHD. Of course, she is a bit too young to diagnose ADHD at this point. I am just making assumptions. I assume that if she is nothing like me, then she must be like my husband. Noah isn't really like me either, but he's a boy so it doesn't seem to irk me as much. Claire is too young for me to say if she shares any or my qualities or not.

So, I have been praying and reading and going over things in my head to try and come up with a solution to this issue. I don't want Lily to grow up and look back on her childhood and simply remember all the times I corrected her or nagged her. I want her to look back and have fond memories of joyous times spent with me. So, what should I do?

I have come to the realization that Lily is Lily. She is who she is. I am her mother and it is my job to appreciate her for the unique child that she is. So what that she doesn't fit the mold of the typical daughter? Yes, she challenges me the most but that probably means that when she grows up she won't take slack from anyone. She will probably go far because she is so determined. She is fearless and has an amazing sense of humor. From now on, I am going to focus on what she is instead of what she isn't. I am simply going to love her for being the wonderful little girl that she is. I am going to stop comparing her to her older sisters, who have always been a bit more conventional.

I figure that if I can get over my dissatisfaction with my house and with my daughter; I will be a happier mother/homemaker. I figure if I am happy then I can accomplish more and live a fuller life. If I am happy then everyone around me will be happy. :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I read a lot of blogs in my free time. I escpecially love blogs written by crafty Moms. I enjoy reading about their day to day life as a Mom and also about the neat things they come up with in order to occupy their children or decorate their home. I also enjoy reading blogs about home decor.....not overly fussy home decor but just real living home decor. So, what has my blog reading given me lately?

Well, it's given me a huge sense of dissatisfaction...on many levels! I find myself dissatisfied with my house. There is no reason to be dissatisfied with my house! It's a wonderful house! It's large and fits our family fairly well, although another bedroom would be nice. I know how lucky I am to have my house. There are so many people out there that either don't have a house at all or they are crammed into a house that doesn't fit their needs. It's just that I find myself looking at all these houses in blogland and I start looking around my house and feeling dissatisfied. I look at my living room and it just seems so small. I look at my kitchen and I wish I had nicer countertops. I look at my master bedroom and I think about how I would like it to look more designer-like. I look at my basement/schoolroom/playroom and I wish that I had seperate dedicated rooms for each activity. I look at my kids' rooms and I wish I had more of them and that they were decorated like the bedrooms in catalogs.

I am so foolish. What I should see when looking at my living room is that, while on the small side, it's cozy and is the perfect size to have my kids curl up on the couch with me to hear a story. I should look at my kitchen and see all the happy memories! I love to bake and cook and my kids have spent countless hours doing those things with me in our kitchen with the crummy countertops! I should look at my master bedroom and remember the countless number of times I have rocked a baby to sleep in that very room. Who cares if the rocking chair and the bedding don't match? My sweet babies didn't. I should look at my basement/schoolroom/playroom and think about how nice it is that we even have any extra space for those things. I know lots of Moms who are homeschooling at their kitchen table and tripping over school materials all day long. I am so fortunate that I don't have to do that. I have a spot to store all of that stuff that is out of the way. I have been interrupted countless times, while doing school, by a baby tugging on my pant's leg. That is such a sweet thing. I should look at my three oldest girls crammed into one room and think about how that physical closeness has led to their close relationships. They are one another's best friends. They spend countless hours playing together, which may not have come to pass if they each had their own perfectly decorated room to go off to.

So, I am going to try to stop comparing my house to the houses I see in magazines and in blogland. I am going to try to appreciate the wonderful house that I have. I may paint some rooms, reorganize some items, move some furniture or make other little changes but I will try to love what I have and be grateful for it.

What else am I dissatisfied with? Well, that's another blog post that I will try to get to tomorrow. For now, I am going to go rock my baby to sleep and curl up on the living room couch with my son.